I guess this is seriously the saddest part of life! why oh why must all good things come to an end! oh well, at least i did have fun during this holiday. besides rotting at home trying to get some work done but ended up stoning for most of the holidays, i went out a couple of times to meet some of my lovely friends and i guess they just made my holiday a well spent one! :)well, actually out of the 10days of holiday (including e-learning) i only went out like 4times? but well its good enough! and i'm so loving camwhoring with iphones / ipods! its so fun! anyways here are some pictures



& on monday, i went back to fairfield for Drama camp! well, actually we didn't really participate but i was so so glad to see my drama homies! Sadly i didn't have any pictures BUT it was really nice to see them (yun,loy,ching) hehe! ching left early so the remaining three of us literally ZBZ-ed at the half netball court in fairfield. like we just lay there right in the center of the half netball court star gazing like a boss while the juniors were having their night games. and i totally gave up the time i was supposed to study for econs test just to hang with them so you guys better be honored! lol!




OKAY! im done today. i've been procrastinating the whole holidays and i seriously need to get all my work done like now! so ya! k bye! LOL

Labels: march madness

13th March, a day to remember, a day never to forget. its been exactly 3years since daddy left. i really miss my daddy so so much but life goes on. it stops for nobody. i just gotta keep it in mind that daddy is in a much much better places and he's home. truth be told, though it has been three years i haven't actually gotten over the fact that he's gone. i guess only just now in school that i realised that i can't seem to let go of it. i've been so afraid that if i let go of the fact that daddy is no longer around, my memory of him would fade of even quicker than it is not. like now, my memories with him is so faded that i don't really remember much of him anymore even though it's just three years. i was just afraid to forget him. i guess i've unknowingly lived in denial for the past 3years ignoring that fact that my dad was no longer around.

remember in my previous posts, where i said i was gonna make a drastic change, yes i've done that. i've decided to chop of my hair. i've thought through this quite seriously and i thought that it would be good if i started afresh. i pluck up enough courage to cut my hair short (& fyi the last time i chopped off my long hair to a really short hair was when i was 12) and i thought that i could just start the year on a new page. i guess i just really needed to start afresh and move on in life from the point were i just went around in circles not knowing what's next. also for my studies. o'level has became the past gone, done and over. now all that is important is the A'levels.

so i guess me cutting off my long hair was just a way to remind myself how determined i am to change it all. actually i really wanna thank rachelYEO. if it wasn't for her i wouldn't think through so much stuff. i mean, i told her i felt really shitty and down today when i was in school cos y'know it was daddy's death anni and i had school and i felt really upset. & she said something like i can't be like this everytime like i cant possibly be so upset that i dont feel like doing anything every single year. and it struck me that.. i haven't moved on. so i guess i can say that i've let go of the past.

i decided to step out of the shadows of my past and just move on in life with a clean start. i need to get my act together and i can't afford to waste anymore time. also i've gotta lean & depend on God's strength instead of my own cos i know i don't have what it takes to be able to go through this alone.. anyways im hungry and tired so haha nights

Labels: be brave and move on

the picture i chose today has totally no relations to what i'm gonna blog about i just simply chose it cos i love balloons and there are smileys on it so ta da!

the whole of today i've been having a internal war in my head about things and i guess i really need to sort things out. firstly i seriously have to stop looking down on myself. stop hating myself, stop feeling so ugly and just stop it all. it's not healthy. i guess over the years, all the name calling, the insults and being made fun of because of my size, it accumulated to a point where i started seeing myself as what was said of me. i've been trying to stop all these but i never really got the chance to. i guess now its time for me to seriously do something about it.

during this march holidays, i'm gonna make some changes. gonna start everything afresh and i mean it. :) do things i've been wanting to do for a long time but just didn't have the courage to do so. i really need start building up my confidence and all. so wish me luck.

Labels: stay positive and smile :]

well, i gave breakfast with my classmates a miss today and decided to go for this devo group my friend told me about in school and so i went. truth be told, it has been really hard getting use to the current school environment having said that i was in fairfield for the past 5years. i mean, i went through the past 5years of school in a christian environment, whereas its really really compared to PJC now. the culture and everything its just, different.

however, this morning i felt rather encouraged to see a group of fellow students just coming together in the morning to lift praises & worship to God. sometimes it always feels better when you know that there are others like you, who goes through the same thing you're going through. It was just great knowing that God has been laying down pathways for me to walk on towards where he wants to lead me.
since the beginning of all the madness that occurred since that start of the school year, with the transition from fairfield to JJC then to PJC & to even adapting to the college life, i really saw God telling me to believe in myself and to put all my trust in him. cos whenever i felt really tired & on the verge of giving up on this journey, God never failed to reassure me that he was and is always with me on this road i'm on.

truth be told, im really thankful that God placed so many nice and wonderful people around me. who was consistently encouraging me & cheering me on whenever i was down or just really upset. i guess it was just really nice having people reassuring me how much they care & love me. especially my fellow ZBZs who was always there to encourage me when i go on the full emo mode. & also my lovely jesslin who has always been so supportive (even though she laughed at me when i told her i was really stressed out & all for school) & just the nicest classmates. overall, i just really need to keep myself reminded that, ultimately i have to trust in God & rely on him & not on myself. & to shine for God in everything i do. :)

Labels: walking in the light of God

have you ever been at a point where you seemed to be stuck in between the past, the present & the future? i guess i have. i mean like though i'm living in the present there are times where i feel so so tired of everything that i want to let it go and just give up. But how can i do that when i've put in countless of effort to get to where i stand now, wouldn't all go the waste if i were to simply give up. Wouldn't it also affect my future? the only reason why im still standing strong is because both my past and my future is holding me together, if not for that i think i would have gave up on my first week.

truth be told, i like "me time" i like to think and just simply evaluate myself. just a fact about me, i see myself in a very negative light. i mean if you were to ask me to describe myself i would give you worlds like "irritating, weird, mean" but i cant seem to think of positive words that would describe me. that's why i don't know how to react when people praise me. i mean it seems so foreign to me. but honesty, sometime i really wonder what people really think of me...

also, sometimes i really miss the old me. before i hated people, myself and everything. i used to just be happy. but after so many things bad that happened. i guess i stopped trusting in people. i started building walls around not to keep people out but to keep me in. i became really protective of myself and i would also slip into that mode where i just wanna block everyone out. just wanna live in my own world. everytime i open myself to others i feel really guilty and afraid. i mean, what if history repeats itself. i mean if you people think i'm being mean to others, dont worry cos i think im more of a bitch to myself than to anyone else. the reflection i had earlier today just showed me how much i cant seem to overcome certain fears. how simple things people do can affect me so greatly.

if i was given one chance, i would really wanna be my old self again, not simply ZBZ-ing every single day. (but actually i like zbz-ing). maybe the me who didn't really hate myself so much like how i do now...

Labels: kinda hate it

i guess its really time for me to just cast my burdens on God & just trust that he's plans for me would lead me to where he wants me to go in the future. i guess i haven't really been putting all my trust in God cos i was afraid of everything and anything. today God showed me that i wasn't alone that there are others like me. i guess God works in ways we really cannot see but he has a ultimate plan planned for us. hopefully in the weeks, months and years ahead i would just trust in him. i really need to stop ZBZ-ing everyday in school and just feel damn shit about everything. i guess its time to let go of all the fears and failures and just be myself. who cares if others judge me, i am me and God loves me for who i am so who are they to judge me :) so wish me luck in finding back myself in this new environment :)

Labels: God will make a way

its time to let go. move on. ain't gonna let you hold me back anymore :)

(the rest of the post has been moved to my private blog)

Labels: goodbye

Truth be told, i'm tired. i really am. it's only the 2nd official week of school & i'm already this tired. every single day i tell myself i can do it & that i will survive through the two years. i've got the best classmates anyone can ever ask for. i mean who gets classmates who are so easy to get along with & treat each other like we've known each other for like a long time when we only know each other for 3weeks. i guess i'm the main problem to my problem.

to tell the truth i'm really scared. i may not show it when i'm in school but when i'm left alone i start to think. think about stuff that is currently happening in my life. i mean, school made me busy enough to forget about these problems during school time but after that i'm all alone again. i guess shit really just got real this year. i mean, those things existed way back to when i was sec3 but for the whole of last year, things go slightly better (on the surface) which covered up the rough patch that unconsciously i forgot that it even existed. I guess this year, is gonna be a hard year. i mean when you realised that you're back to where you were few years back, that feeling really sucks. i want to do something about it but i can't. all i'm doing is to add on more problems to the current situation.

feeling so messed up inside, wanting to scream it all out but having to contain it. needing to cry out loud but i would just make everyone even more worried. sometimes i really wonder, why do i go through all these things. every day when i start thinking i would wonder why wasn't i born into an average family just like everyone else? but everytime without fail, when i do my devotion i would see God answering my questions and doubts. i guess maybe i haven't been depending on God as much as i should. okay need to start with my revision.

Labels: feeling so lost

unknowingly i realised that my memory of my daddy has faded so much that i only remember bits & pieces of things about my daddy. (for those who don't know, Daddy was called back to the heavens few years back & ya:) was having a conversation with dad's bible college friends and mum earlier on & we talked about so many things that made me miss my dad. anyways, they also talked about how events in our childhood play a major role in developing who we are now, & i guess i just didn't stay off well. i mean, if it wasn't for that conversation we had, i wouldn't have realised that!

like for example, when i was 3-4years old one day after school, after the school bus dropped me & my siblings off, the both of them decided to race back home & since i wasn't really good at running then i was left behind & i didn't know how to go home, so i was lost. & i guessed its because of that incident where i hate it when i get lost or am alone because i would feel super afraid. there are many more to state but im too tired to type them all out. But i guess, it is because of my childhood that i became so afraid of so many things. i mean, because the environment i grew up in was SUPER negative so i grew into a rather negative person. i mean most people wouldn't have seen that part of me but ya that's me. i don't really like revealing that side of me to people unless they are really people whom i know i can trust & also because i hate that side of me so i don't wish for people to know that side of me. its like i try so hard to get rid of that side of me but all i can do is bury it with all the positive things in life but unfortunately it surfaces once in awhile so ya.... Whatever it is, im just glad that through God's grace that he was  with me through all the times helping me to get rid of it slowly. okay im really tired now so nights

Labels: i miss my daddy

thing is sometimes we refuse to accept what God has planned for us and we try to force our plan through. However, ultimately God already has plans for you even before you were born. so if you are going through a tough time, struggling with something similar to mine , i guess its time to turn to God. i mean, who else can knows you better than God, he created you. he knew who you were before you were born. i'm still learning to trust in Him through all things and i myself may not be perfect but i hope that people can relate to what i have gone through and also learn to trust in God because he is faithful and his love never fails :) here's a song that i found really good and ya.

Labels: God will make a way